THE GIRL IN THE DARK

2008-07-12T04:40:00.000-07:00

countdown to some changes....i think its end of a chapter...will soon be beginning a new...whatever the use of this blog...its gonna end now....i think i will start a new blog with some new perceptions.

http://mysilentdiary.blogspot.com/

2008-07-09T21:41:00.000-07:00

COUNTDOWN...................

........................

2008-06-22T08:41:00.000-07:00

i feel sooooooooooo lazy to blog.or do anything for that matters.thoughts of having togoback to college is freaking me out.i so dont want to see anybody's face,[no reason] neither do i wanna open another book for as long as possible.

2008-05-21T09:25:00.000-07:00

For the last few days i feel like an unopened trunk ...the ones that give off a strange woody musk on opening,that reminds you of the birch and cherry trees atop some untrodden icy peaks; quite a lot like the old and worn out one underneath my grandpas bed, with a crimson satiny lining around,even those linings have been moth affected with time.Its beautiful to sink in the smell of napthalenes and old books.
As a kid i had a lil crisis secernating facts from fiction ...the smell of antique dusts filled in gaps in my memory with fabrications that i wanted to believe to be facts,and it served me a nice royal cushion made of the softest plumes,and everytime i thought there was nothing more to unravel about the box...it showed its other dimensions for me to disengage.I guess am feeling comfortable and more at peace doing things I never thought i could...its not that i transformed much...but i do feel at ease....not having to borrow others' dreams and making them my own...i have my own to follow.

2008-04-24T20:52:00.000-07:00

It rained hard the morning I was born…dad had often narrated the amount of water logging that forced most of my relatives to wade through the knee deep water to reach the nursing home…that and the blue towel they wrapped me in had been a favorite point of reminiscence for them…since then till now I have always had incessant downpours on every 4th of July…even the day I was taken for my first swimming lessons it drizzled softly caressing the pool water with soft pattering as I stayed underwater holding my breath trying to squint back at the sky, which had taken a different hue and appeared to float away…and I always imagined it will probably pour buckets on me throughout my journey during every happy occasion….except that one nebulous afternoon bereft of emotions when dreams were exchanged in favor of a better and feasible option…it rained harder than I expected.

Last night too I had entered the House through its front gates …my grandpa always likes to say that a 5 year old me still plays hide n seek in its every corner…the House still looked the same under the weak and tremulous moonlight…someone still stood leaning out from the verandah overlooking the garden which had long not been worked upon…the dark overgrown hedges singing a cryptic tune with the wind that silenced its every twig…. the ‘bel ful’,‘jui ful’ trees which used to supply the flowers for grandma’s morning puja looked more haunted by their own existence….but I wondered who was still standing there….she looked very familiar…standing alone…hiding from the rest of the household who were almost combing down the entire three storied house in search of a tiny being who had refused to have lunch and had run away…she stood there engrossed at the diminutive world that lived and breathed in her make-believe land in the garden. By now she has forgotten all about the hide n seek.

I had cried the day we had talks of selling the house…I know Bumpy had cried in his bed in Delhi…. but I also know there were no options with both my grandparents growing weak and fragile with age…ma had no other option but to bring them nearer to our place so that she could cater to their needs faster and swifter. Except it had sliced a part of my childhood from my being…both of ours.

It still comes in my dreams no matter how hard I try to keep it away…every night in every different form. And every time the sun sinks below the horizon leaving only fluffs of orange to be merged in the paleness or maybe the times the wind blows harder than usual, cordially inviting the dark storm clouds I think I still run out to stand in those recherché greens till my body has managed to soak the last drop amidst the dark pools of fantasy.i am still there.

2008-04-16T10:21:00.000-07:00

things look painstakingly perfect before you decide to set afoot the shaky bridge.....discovered my worst trait which sort of obviated my need for a character make-over to evolve into a stronger ruder self....i could just about sharpen the blunt edges of what i already have.....

last night i thought i was suffocating to death...its like someone was forcefully trying to submerse me into a filled bathtub...and i could only return an incapacitated stare...and i still dont know whether it was because of my 4 hour flight that made me feel that way or was i actually breathless...or maybe the mounting tension of a few stuffs....apparently my parents thought i had gone crazy .....maybe they were right cuz today morning onwards am as fit as new...i hate the feeling and its not just about life or death which is trivial to the wide range of subjects that clog my mind every half seconds ...at any day i hate feeling powerless ....

2008-04-11T08:31:00.000-07:00

Gosh am slowly becoming the Tag Queen with so many of it on the same page!!!But here goes another one.
1. LAST MOVIE YOU SAW IN A THEATER? Jodha Akbar but caught the screenings of The Last King of Scotland and Memories of Underdevelopment at a film fest.
2. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING?The castle by Kafka
3. FAVORITE BOARD GAME?ludo,scrabbles
4. FAVORITE MAGAZINE? nothing in particular but i usually almost always check the comics part .
5. FAVORITE SMELLS?the smell of wet earth after a shower,jasmine,the salty smell of the sea.
6. FAVORITE SOUND? roaring waves...and sometimes silence.
7. WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD? feeling deprived and unwanted.
8. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU THINK OF WHEN YOU WAKE? got to make it exciting.
9. FAVORITE FAST FOOD PLACE? pizza hut
10. FUTURE CHILD'S NAME? Gablu and Rai after aa very special person
11. FINISH THIS STATEMENT. "IF I HAD A LOT OF MONEY I'D...?doing everything i do at present but without having to bug dad.
12.DO YOU DRIVE FAST?no i am a sensible driver.
13. DO YOU SLEEP WITH A STUFFED ANIMAL?No
14. STORMS-COOL OR SCARY?cool
15. WHAT WAS YOUR FIRST CAR?a truck...toy ofcourse with red yellow borders
16. FAVORITE DRINK?mmmmmmmmm.....
17. FINISH THIS STATEMENT, "IF I HAD THE TIME I WOULD :be travelling a lot,finishing more books and bird watching
18. DO YOU EAT THE STEMS ON BROCCOLI?nahiiiiiiiii
19. IF YOU COULD DYE YOUR HAIR ANY COLOR, WHAT WOULD BE YOUR CHOICE?jet black, mines kinda reddish ...i want the dark gothic black hair .
20. NAME ALL THE DIFFERENT CITIES/TOWNS YOU HAVE LIVED IN:in kolkata, been to delhi n bangalore .
21. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH?cat fights :-
22. ONE NICE THING ABOUT THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU.'Hawt' ;) n Sweet
23. WHAT'S UNDER YOUR BED?nothing .its as clean as can be.
24. WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE BORN AS YOURSELF AGAIN?yes oh yes!!!
25. MORNING PERSON, OR NIGHT OWL?morning person
26. OVER EASY, OR SUNNY SIDE UP?sunny side up
27. FAVORITE PLACE TO RELAX?on my bed
28. FAVORITE PIE?to be served with vanilla icecream surely
29. FAVORITE ICE CREAM FLAVOR?i like the ferrero roche gelato [will it count for ice cream?]
30. OF ALL THE PEOPLE YOU TAGGED THIS TO, WHO'S MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND FIRST? i am not tagging anyone .

2008-04-09T05:15:00.000-07:00

''Dear Leonard, to look life in the face, always to look life in the face and to know it for what it is. At last, to know it, to love it, for what it is and then to put it away. Leonard, always the years between us, always the years, always the love. Always the hours...''
virginia wolf.

2008-04-07T07:48:00.000-07:00

Had a long drawn ,unsettled and indecisive debate with self and the resultant effect is nothing more than disbelief...in people and how they change and its not that i never apprehend that, i do but i always go ahead and let it hit me. More like when you consciously walk towards a huge wave knowing it will splash on you big time and yet you let it pass over yourself.Its never a particular element in my life that gives rise to such ideas but a conglomeration of events and facts and people i guess....i feel at loss of words then,i feel humiliated and most importantly i feel depressed....i have that feeling of a heaviness inside me right now and i know it will take time to wear off...i am angry at my own imbecility,of anticipating the most illogical and the lack of strengh to deal with it all.

2008-03-31T06:38:00.000-07:00

It was just a song…the song of a wild flute and when you closed your eyes you could feel the palpable waves through the impervious silence that only allowed it the passage to move, an autumnal euphony tiding though time which had fallen sluggish, manipulating dreams of painful pleasures and incorporating life to the shackled deads till the day it unified with the sultry and treacherous zephyr and lost its way in her charms. While the rotting mouths gaped for a few drops and the searching eyes prayed for the last trace of a waning song its echo died a million mile away……….

alphabet tag

2008-03-27T00:32:00.000-07:00

i have been tagged with this one by atleast three people so here it goes!!

A for Absolute...how i would define living ...existing independently of the 'other's

B for Benaras and the medley of colourful Bangles i got from there...each one singing a different tune.

C for Cakes n Ale...[lolz] n not just the book these two goes well with each other!!!

D for 'Dhak' er awaaj and waking up to it on the dawn of 'shashthi'...aahh i miss Durga puja.

E for Emptiness what gets you at times.

F for 'Feeke neel rong'[light fading blue]...i prefer it over deep blue, fading and fragrance.

G for Ganguin his tahiti and a thousand hues.

H for Hushhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh......the engulfing silence we will inevitably plunge into.

I for Ice , Inception and Intimation...and the unwilling melting.

J for Jiggasha and too much of it....its always there!!!

K for Kalo[black in bengali]....

L for Linger...rather forever and ever and ever....

M for Man, Moment and Memories....and oh yes Masquerading emotions

N for Never....sometimes i love to hear it and sometimes i dont want to...

O for 'Outsider'...what we end up being ...even to ourselves...

P for Pining ...what keeps us alive and dead at the same time.

Q for 'quite a lot'...they say i look 'quite a lot' like my mom and i say why not fully like her!

R for Reverie and Rain...sometimes i dream of the rain and sometimes in it.

S for Sunshine and Serenity....you bask in both...

T for Tomorrow...i look forward to it everyday

U for Uber...a better prefix that i frequently use these days signifying 'super'[aka ubercool ....]

changes the drabness of the sentence instantly.

V for Vindictive sometimes i am

W for Womanhood...heres to you

X for Xeroxes that keeps piling up on my desk and acting as an awesome cover and protecting

the desk from external dust n grime

Y for Yes...i want to hear that more frequently depending on certain issues.

Z for Zorro...and Banderas ofcourse.

yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyy its over...I TAG ALL THOSE WHO HAVE NOT DONE IT ALREADY!

2008-03-22T08:27:00.000-07:00

a few random lines....

i have dabbled in your radiance,

like a scarlett peck on spring;

drifted from the lips of your flute,

like a wanderer,

in searchof her lost dream.

dribbled all over the bare glass blades

a kaleidoscope of tiny shreds

and all that remains today is-

a vestigate of shadow.

2008-03-18T21:41:00.000-07:00

Its exhaustive to watch the pleonastic endeavors of men …well mostly…it is in fact foolish to do so and yet there is a quantum of amusement in it …its like the green chutney I have been using to polish off every other platter, a mundane regularity has its pros and cons. Any unpredictable fracas enthralls me…something that’s been stalking me through out the day…and am pleased!! Really I make no sense right!
I have often been accused of being discordant more than once…of writing stuffs to resolutely obnubilate people into imagining my greatness as a writer and deriving a sadistic pleasure out of it all…however I can assure such kind souls full of complements for me that such is not the case in here. Coherency simply evades me when I am sitting down to pen my emotions…Somewhere down the line the thoughts ooze out playfully in their own rhythm and its hard to stay back and arrest them …therefore I must write what I feel at the moment cuz I live for the moment too! I would really love to help out those with an intense dislike for what I write: get a matchstick and
blow yourself up!!

2008-03-15T09:26:00.000-07:00

Uneventful scribbles of the insignificant kind with only my finger as my nib and the long accumulated dust on the desk..my thoughts like the uninterrupted citylights through the dark glasses as the entire city whizzes by,the light playing a havoc on the trancing shadow,i shed my eyes from the psychedelic rainbows and...i wait ....i wait in patience for the wind to stop ruffling my hair!!

2008-03-03T23:32:00.000-08:00

errrmmm...i have this serious inclination to throw a cow on someone!!

2008-02-13T04:45:00.000-08:00

my recent visit to Bandipur a TIGER RESERVE FOREST near Bangalore has steeped my head with a myriad colours,emotions and memories. i guess my first brush with the wild and the exotica has left me wanting for more.It was on a scarlet-bluish evening drenched by a mellow sun with a hint of dark clouds that i felt like being dragged deeper and deeper into the greens.

the very 1st thing i saw on entering the greens....a motley of colours...a rare sight of nature playing holi...the beautiful POLASH captured every inch of my imagination.

the ride to remember, a journey amidst the greens...a journey where i just had to fake a lil bit of courage....!!!

often you came piercing through my innermost thoughts.....

'stuffs that dreams are made of'.....

wild roads i never knew where they would lead...every journey was a journey through self-realisation.....the path led me deeper n deeper within myself.....

HAPPY ENDING LOLZ!

2008-02-01T10:16:00.000-08:00

home they carried her
dead,
her throat tightly choked
by her own euphony
long ropes of rhythmic tunes
entwining her fragile little neck
where once,
verity had pecked.

home they carried her dead
it wasn't before daybreak
when the infantile sky played
with the violet ripples
impregnating her silent womb
the spirit of time woke up
chanting a waning doom.

home they carried her dead
with trampled thoughts,
of ugly dark scars,
and memory-leaves sticking from
her hair,
she was deep in sleep as the clock ticked by
how comfortable was the ice-man's lair.

home they carried her dead
under the shimmying shade,
she had already celebrated the funeral
of her relationship with the storm
O call upon the precious musette
to sing a soulful mourn.

2008-01-28T22:04:00.000-08:00

[forgive the badly snapped pic]

love the weird smell and the intricate design.

2008-01-23T08:16:00.000-08:00

ragpicker's tale on yours truly

the above link only bears some evidence to what i am going to write....

i have peered into the mirror and have seen someone staring back at me,it was not me...and yet it was me in so many ways...is it ever possible to have your exact double somewhere out there...who thinks your thoughts,lives your pains,and dreams your dreams?is it possible that there is someone who will say the exact thing you were about to utter a fraction of second ago?yes only your illusion can.

How special is my illusion for me? Only I can tell…how beautifully it had influenced my life, in so many ways is something I can now look back and happily ponder…why cant I find this illusion in my reality? Because it is far far away…and yet whenever I need the mirror all I need to do is knock on its doors… whenever I think of my illusion one thing that pains me the most is how much it had suffered for love…and this one thing will keep it going now that it has found the frame to hold its image…why do I love my illusion so much? Its coz of its originality, its pensive moods, its kick ass jokes, its confusing emotions…and at the end of the day 'it' is real. It is I… irreplaceable...it flies in its own sky and illuminates by its ‘own’ light …...i am grateful to whatever it has done for me...and how cant i....'it' is me....

2008-01-18T22:23:00.000-08:00

"Try the rhodium polished bracelet...its expensive...it glistens under the sun emitting a thousand mirage,its beautiful,it has stone encrusted all over."
-Nay nay....but my heart longs for the darkish silver one....its unpolished bluntness,it antique mysterious charm....its silence around my wrist,its promise to grow darker every day......

looking glass:a journey

2008-01-17T10:18:00.000-08:00

A JOINT TAG BY T AND S[TANI+SOHINI] THE EVIL SOUL SISTERS
WHO ARE TOO JOBLESS AT PRESENT.
LIFE 10 YRS BACK: Peaceful as far as I can remember since it was quite protected and sheltered from the harsh realities life throws upon us at intervals; Mom was the perfect best friend on the threshold of teenage-hood, kind of tomboyish, a regular swimmer, used to bully kids at school along with one of my best guy friend who was really tall and strong. There was a sort of pleasure in it. Became the junior school captain and therefore bossed around to heart’s content.
LIFE 5 YEARS BACK: Started realizing ‘am not a girl…not yet a woman’. Mom still the best of friends. Innumerable infatuations and changed faster than you spell ‘ F A S T’. 1st love [?!]…. The pain of separation, coping and realizing whoa is this what is called ‘growing up’? Maybe I emerged stronger, maybe a part of my strength withered away with the memories.
LIFE A YEAR BACK: CONFUSION.that’s what I can truly remember….’who am I?what do I want’ echoed everytime I faced the mirror[cinematic?u say] .a question mark cropped up in each and every decision I took….i was slowly drowning I realised in a whirlpool of darkness….i had already sank waist-deep desperately trying to swim out of it but the more I struggled the more I sank…..till one day I saw light…I managed to follow it….out of it all…it gave me strengh,it gave me warmth it gave the courage to realize finally who I was….it continued to this way till…I realized I don’t need this light I can emit one from within…[selfish you think?]
LIFE TOMORROW: Of hope? Of prayers? To continue with the peaceful existence?To finally get hold of the light I truly desire?nah I think I will take tomorrow as it comes.
5 snacks I enjoy:colours/reveries/silence/nostalgia/ and yes chocolate chip cookies ,each are yummy in their own right.
5 locations I’d like to run away to: That utopic world I have created under the dark corner of the staircase, sometimes plunge into the glassy water of an imaginary lake surrounded by the greens,the snow capped mountains of Manali, the African forests however Goan beach will do just fine.
5 bad habits I have:Mood swings which are very confusing for my friends to detect,showing approval or disapproval on the face,not being too diplomatic when you need to be,not being able to hold on to the reigns when I need to and not being able to open up to everybody.
5 things I like doing: being myself[lolz],vintage snaps,swimming in the dark,guglu[mah lil baby],writing
5 things I will never wear:well yesss I must stress on the fact that I will never be caught wearing a hideous combination of jeans and the weird kameez with orni[who invented this college fashio I don’t know!],things that make me look to fat ,weird jewelries,high heels[hee hee people who know me will know why!],pullovers and salwars[uurrggghh another ju favourite]….
5 biggest joys at the moment:I have someone to care for –guglu[who else did you think!]…I have my mom still as my best of friend and my sister has recently been added to this list gaining a matured age and innumerable crushes as well…I still can coax my dad to buy me whatever I want, I am slowly starting to think that my knowledge meter is indicating a rise around an inch and a half compared to last year[ohkk an inch is quite a lot!cmon]
5 things I DON'T like:extremely hard to answer…because depending on my mood I might not be liking the most desirable thing of the moment….but yes I don’t like hypocrites, losers and definitely lizards.
Something to achieve next year:I have something on my mind but I will hate to discuss it till I have achieved it.
Something impacted me last year: I wont say it last year…but when I was watching the documentary organized by “CRY’’ a few days back I was suddenly reliving my childhood as well.
What I’ll miss about 2007:one year less from my life….
5 things to do before I die: stop being so whimsical, find peace within, read up all the books I ever wanted, learn to cook[:p] and the last one I will keep blank…life will inform me what to do ok?

i tag ALL THOSE WHO ARE READIN IT....

2008-01-17T00:46:00.000-08:00

My amorous life has restrictions,the caressing nostalgia that would never leave my side...just a few days ago i sat back dreaming of my infatuation with the soft fluffy clouds at Darjeeling...they never knocked my windows before floating in all of a sudden like a phantomine wisp.The light drizzle that brightened the farthest mountain-greens never cared for permission either,often it caught me unaware and drenched my innermost soul,many a times it urged me to stay back with its longing heart.....the hide n seek kept me busy making me lose my way in the intense embrace of the powdery mist.....mon amour....how much you beckon me.......

2008-01-07T02:25:00.000-08:00

Considering the fact that today was a great day am not letting anyone or anything ruin that.....

almost 6 months back i was starting to feel the warmth of the light creeping slowly towards me...i guessed darkness had detangled and was slowly floating away...and yet the year began with quite a few knotty issues....

there are things am desperate about...stuffs i truly desire from the very core of my heart...theres a looong distance between my desires and the means to achieve them...sometimes i lose myself in this long lonely road...its a constant tussle between how i would want things to change and how complacent i am currently with myself!....more often i guess due to external reasons than internal its the latter one that ends up winning!.....theres too much around....more than i can bear....sometimes i die from within.....

love is a strange word....its beautifully confusing....i know i am in love....all i need now is to find out ....with what....

THOUGHT BUBBLES

2008-01-04T21:22:00.000-08:00

THOUGHT BUBBLE 1-No i am not interested in you....if i were i would have admitted it myself.

THOUGHT BUBBLE 2-Dont take me for granted...i can help you once, twice but not everytime if you make a deliberate mistake.

THOUGHT BUBBLE 3-Stop frustrating me with your sugar-coated sick calculations....i can guess them pretty well.

2008-01-02T02:43:00.000-08:00

happy new year to all.....may it be as fresh and happy as this new leaf!!

2007-12-28T01:46:00.000-08:00

my friend was a bit paranoid...but i couldn't touch her or hear her voice out loud....such a feeling was being emitted from the chatbox through which i was conducting our conversation.her words didnot directly indicate it and yet she seemed depressed....and this was due to the recent events that are tousling with the world order...she like many of us wanted Benazir Bhutto to live and rule and usher in a heyday for world demovracy.'its so over....you know its not just this event but i have a feeling nothing good will ever happen,none of our good wishes will ever be fulfilled....the world will come to an end'.

i could relate to what she was saying.i too felt deeply shaken.Benumbed by the terrible news i too might have been thinking along the same line but later regaining senses i realised we are witnessing history again.....i saw a lone white swan through the murky waters ....a thing of beauty and that of strengh.... the next second i heard a violent shot,a sound that plays in your ears like an intense death knell....a desperate fluttering of wings while spurting streams of blood darkened her pristine feathers and turned everything into a scarlet pool,a beautiful melody was suddenly over...even her last echo could not be heard anymore.And yet amidst such an appaling situation another shall rise......and there will be many more swans to come out of all the blood that moistens the earth and all the souls that crave for a change towards the better...may the ones bidding aurevoir rest in peace.

2007-12-23T22:37:00.000-08:00

strolling down a lonely lane ,surrounded by the sombre tress,glistening under the icy sheen.....and walk all the way upto the horizon.....just me on the tracks.....

i have this intense craving at times...to wake up one day to realise i had been sleep-walking....through a part of the lost white world.....a silhouette against the white-washed fields......

5 minutes of random thoughts[taken from my namesake]

2007-12-21T02:24:00.000-08:00

this tag has been taken from the mad lil girl[I NEED A MUSE] and i just had to tag myself.anyone reading this is free to do the same

the maundering thoughts.the incoherent babbles .That is what fills the mind on any given five minutes of my life.If i take out a few among them, tiny incomprehendible scratches will remain sticking on the hour long tapestry of the mind frame.i guess my thoughts have more to do with my wishes...this is the only one time i could wish and also fulfil it myself....and i wished time would stop...the walking, talking,moving life outside should stop for the moment, just like the frozen sunshine that had also conjured up an image in my mind's eye.A beautiful kaleidoscope of memories should flood the mind and that is why life is to halt and take a look back.i guess i was slowly realising i am too deeply entrenched to the past...memories past and dreams do have the most intense position in my writings and i delve too much into them.

Thoughts do travel a lot....as it left me wondering how deceptive the terms love and lust can be and i was feeling very worried about a particular 'friend' who seems to have blurred this line somehow knowingly.I wished people would realise what is love and what is loneliness as the two often concocts to form the worst of mixtures ever.i hate doing things i might regret later. But oh hell i am doing one right now.I just blew up my chance of taking on the highway from the heart of kolkata to as far as the heart of India.i had made my super jumbo plan of visiting Khajuraho and places and that we were to do by travelling solely by car....but my wretched cold has got me down and definitely not for the good.....All i am left to do now is stay back and muse as my sis bed me bye bye yesterday....but the thought of travelling reminded me of my stroll over the beautiful blue Ganges at Lakshmanjhula this puja.

I am reading the beautiful 'Moon and Sixpence' borrowed from our dah-ling 'muffins and cookies' [onnesha]...i guess i am forcefully immersing myself in Ganguin,Tahiti and the myriads of hues patchworked all over...everytime i feel cursing this awkward winter at Calcutta[makes me sick everytimne].........ohh yess am also extremely involved in growing my hair longer...!!!

.....there were more thoughts...ofcourse but that would cross my five minutez time limit...so there .............lemme draw the ending line......

2007-12-17T02:24:00.000-08:00

Few days back I was watching 36 Chowringhee Lane for the sixth time and basking in the feel-good factor of old Calcutta…. its evergreen charm gleamed under the festive spell of a frosty Christmas night. The countdown to 25th has already begun, I discerned, hit by the sudden chill in the air, a realization that used to dawn much earlier a good seven eight years back when I eagerly waited for the Christmas morning to mechanically stretch my hand over my pillow, and hit upon something new, solid and gift wrapped; still sleepy, still less eager to leave the bed. I don’t remember exactly when I bed this habit of mine goodbye…or maybe it had bed me adieu…. but somewhere down the years I had stopped…. called up the child in me and asked her to leave…for good.

My childhood memories of Christmas are somewhat strewed with the welcoming warmth of a fresh baked cake on display at Nahoum. …Something I still associate Christmas with, except I still walk down that alley and take in deep breathes searching for that lost smell [of childhood?]…. A packet of chocolate cookies, a good number of brownies and the vanilla-pineapple fudge were all that I needed to delight my soul for the day. New market was more like the place to be as i sank into the spirited delight.

I still sit back and let it all flash by…the green, red, yellow and blue…little paper bags filled with pencils, balloons and a whistle, the shrillness of which never failed to irritate all those who dared to cross my path for the next few days, until one fine morning it was no more a single piece and refused to serve its purpose. I do remember the smell of the strong perfume my mother applied before we left for the get togethers at some friend’s place . The clinking glasses, the old songs, the sudden ringing laughter but nothing more than that as I ended up dosing on mom’s lap.
The nights are when I wished it really snowed hardnot realising the impossibility it posed for reality. I prayed every Christmas night for them….I read and re-read ‘the Christmas Carol’, for some unknown reason thinking this might actually fulfill my wish.

I should start doing that all over again.

2007-12-11T22:47:00.000-08:00

Like a carnelian rose
In her resplendent blood,
Like her unopened letter to the world
That remained unheard
Like the smile of peace
On a dying man’s lips
Like a stabbing blue-chill
that slowly creeps.
A lachrymose lily in her
-monolithic tomb
Like the fatal tranquility
Before a shuddering a storm.
Of mud and bones and
And years of menacing wars.
Of hidden desires of life
that was reduced to chars.
As insouciant as life and that of death
In love and life lies her query on faith
A little margarite in her ashened sheen
She was lost forever in her frosty dream.

2007-12-09T23:43:00.000-08:00

Feeling blue all day.....and i dont even know why. a sad tune keeps playing in the whiff of wind that ruffled my hair,a nostalgic sigh in the fresh smelling air , lonesome doleful rays in bright yellow, that is filtering into my room.Indolence keeps indulging me, with a book in my hand staring into the space...the vacuousness is engulfing and yet i let it be.i am enjoying this melancholic-happiness i realised ....maybe because it has got nothing to do with my present state[exams over and a quick visit to santiniketan]....its just one of those moments when you enjoy the bitterness without a cause.If you read Pather Panchali you will notice a little Apu feeling sad whenever he looked at the faraway banyan tree which reminded him of a page from the Mahabharat and an unsung hero.....

i am probably basking in a deja vu.Images keep churning up in the subconscious...but the conscious mind is still blank and searching....looking for that lost image, the key to the entire puzzle...its somewhere within, playing hide and seek ,refusing to come out into the open...the search shall continue...

2007-12-05T01:35:00.000-08:00

1stly am back ...secondly so much had happened in the past one month when i was missing out on blogging.....calcutta burnt.....for days for nights and only the ashes are scattered now, all over humanity's domain....can scarlet ever bring about peace?i wonder ...can there ever be serenity in dark scarlet splotches.....so many times it does....the rest of the times we just stand far away like a child who had dropped a carton of colour on a white canvas and is helplessly witnessing it spread throughout the portrait, engulfing avery corner and every space,every hidden crevices....

death to the scarlet sky and the scarlet petals that have strewed the path to the grave....and a peaceful death we pray.

2007-12-01T01:09:00.000-08:00

the worst thing has happened...blogger has been banned from my server for an undefinite period....i am being able to publish but not view a single page....therefore.....TAKING 'A BREAK' FOR THE UNDEFINITE PERIOD...BEAR WITH IT :(((((((((((((((((((((((((((

2007-11-22T21:11:00.000-08:00

TAKING A BREAK EXAMS ROUND THE CORNER.....:((((((((((((

2007-11-14T22:14:00.000-08:00

Memories she dug
Memories she tore
Memories of her amatory dreams
In her womb she bore.
A solitary lily floats…
Amidst the forbidden layers;
Pristine, her nephesh, bared to the world,
The silent fingers tore.
Edacious, her incandescence
The serpent entwined charms
Illusions of a broken dream,by
The serpent’s virid hand.

2007-11-02T00:49:00.000-07:00

Sometimes the overwhelming grandeur of certain events leave you speechless,emotional and on the verge of shedding a tear or two[ok emotions vary person to person]. The Ganga aarti at Haridwar's Har-ki-Pauri did just that...

We had arrived a tad too early at around 5 in the evening to witness the famous and one of the ancient rituals in India[the aarti begins at 6-6:20].I was greeted by the familiar smell of the 'dhup' , camphor and the dung that seems to be a common factor in all the pilgrimages.The ghat was alive with the bustle of activities right from the foreigners trying to get a good angle to snap photos to the uniformed officers of the Ganga Development Project collecting money and handing receipts....amidst it all were the vendors selling diyas,flowers ,plastic bottles to fill with the ganga pani to a thousand different this and that.Thankfully we found a suitable place to sit right opposite the ghat where the aarti was supposed to take place and therefore caught the enitre event as closely as possible.The aarti began around 6 with around 4 to5 priests[thats the number i counted ,could be more]emerging on the bank from all sides holding the huge lamps and stood there amidst the blares of bhajans in praise of 'ganga ma'.By that time it had become quite dark and i could feel the chill in the air .The aarti lasted for half an hour and when it ended i got to float the mini leaf-boats filled with petals and diyas standing in the icy ganges that was supposed to carry my innermost wishes.What made it so special was the realisation that i was witnessing something that has its roots in the ancient past of our country, a historical tradition that is being held for thousands of years and here i was still being mesmerised by it.

the next morning we left for rishikesh.

It had never occurred to me before that such a visually encapsulating experience could actually rejuvenate you mentally, recuperating the tired nerves . I felt envious of all those living in close proximity to this ‘God’s land’. Getting to experience, the suddenness of having the mountains almost bang onto your face with one sharp turn, to have your hair whipped on your face by the winds at play, to shiver in delight as well as cold while taking a stroll on the Lakshmanjhula, to feel the necessary tranquility seep in through your head and take over control every time the cool water sprayed its touch on your face while speed boating through the effervescent Ganges or the addictive dizziness of looking down at the cool blue of the river, its very much similar to slowly letting go, into a quiet slumber, on a virgin scrap of land amidst the bustle of this world with the serene, secured feeling that nothing from outside can touch you.
Didnt i desperately need this?And once back into 'reality' somehow i find my perspectives changing.Maybe its time for some changes.I had always wondered through various mediums whether its possible to fully erase the past[by past i mean everything about the past-your past view points specially your way of looking at everything around you] and standing where i am i guess it is.

2007-10-20T10:44:00.000-07:00

the problem with love is.....most often it turns into your 'weakness' when it should have been your 'strength'.......

2007-10-16T20:11:00.000-07:00

She had built the moment…dissatisfied with her creation she had tried ameliorating it, unable to do so she had let it waft…away from her. But within those fractions of seconds it had engrafted onto her the intricate designs of time. And now with the years between them, as she took a walk down the lane still strewed with the sere moments..... there right there it lay, in all its viridity… waiting…for recognition.

She soaked in her de javu as the uncanny familiarity of the smell reached out towards her, tingling her olfactory cells...a sudden flash of illusion,but before you begin to recognise it and bask in its familiar warmth it has already camphorized.the moment had somehwat been blessed with the same ephimerality.

She slept many a times under the dark sheets of reality,trying to run away from it,avoid sinking in it...underneath, it was warm like shutting the lights away.it was during on of those hide and seek moments the lost leaf returned...as if blown in by the storm outside.....and this time she didnt fail to recognise it.

2007-10-13T03:28:00.000-07:00

'Frustrated'....thats the emotional deduction of my mind at present,an obvious and unwelcomed truth i trampled upon...and hold on....even dared to shout out loud....without realising there were a couple of 'big-eared' creatures around ready to devour the sentence and spit out some unsolicited advice right after they were done with their gaping and raising brows....phwewww...'aaahhh frustrated but why??crisis in personal life??some unwanted fights?a relationship gone rotten..why why whyyyyyyyyyyyyy??!'...and all i meant was that my 5 feet 11 inches long stature-s simply giving up on the excess burden of class tests and projects lined up one after the other.....i am frustrated with the amount of irritating assignments am doling out day in day out.....its amazing how minds work.whenever one utters a word[whatever it is]...its an unavoidable human instinct probably for the gossip-parasites to simply link it up with some weird relationship issue.....sheeeessh!!!weirdly amazing i should say!!!!!!!!!!!!!

4 min:45 sec

2007-10-09T07:56:00.000-07:00

evanescing....into the afterglow...

and BEFORE someone could reach out towards her she had merged into the soft sensuality of her backgound......her dark outline refused to fade out from sight....but she woudnt stay..fading...fading till the only thing that remained was a tantalising sense of being....a being that had merged with the nothingness....

THE SHE WITHIN Part 3

2007-09-29T05:51:00.000-07:00

THE PAST

Through the camera obscura, she caught sight of the hand; pale and veinous, clutching tightly what shimmered eerily under the shadows of the horizon, the hand entombed in that sepulchral silence…. a hand that shone under the last rays of a dying sun …like a call from beyond…. it lay amidst undisturbed greens and stormy moonlight, the seasons thunderstorms lashed at it…waited and moaned through the trees, singing the song that was to remain unheard…. yet it clutched tightly to its space.. if it had been a painting she could have removed it, stained it, erased it, colored it with her own thoughts….but the elemental truth remained undisturbed ….it was no painting…a vintage shot it was denying a veil of false pretension and resisting separation from the moldering past….her past…..

The 'SHE' within Part 2

2007-09-23T11:24:00.000-07:00

DEAD
more like a river less like a wind
fading into your salient dreams-
the dream of the dead bride.

her jet hair entangled her throat,
pale blue.
in her bossom she held her love for you.
sweet kisses of the icy breaths
a blanched face -
still warm and soft with care ,
trampled emotions as frigid as her stare
silent thoughts locked up that
she never got to share.

a diaphanous dream floats and sinks
in the murky dark layers.

the 'she' within....PART 1

2007-09-17T09:19:00.000-07:00

it was a blame game they enjoyed playing...

shivering with a saddistic pleasure everytime it smudged her kohl and trickled down....every time the thorn impaled upon her....her conscience bleeding slowly....a soft death....always a joy to witness....

a slow administration of poison seemed to bring better pleasure than a stab....the insidious darkness slowly spreading its cancerous web....a slow engulfment....and theres no escape once she is caught in the quick sand.....she stretched out her hand a desperate cry to pull her out but the only hands surrounding her were those that pointed a finger ....none to pull out....

in the end the darkness got the better of her.....

2007-09-13T07:42:00.000-07:00

extremely weird to use a public computer while venting out or pouring out mah heart...as usual mines down....hoping to see it come alive in the next few days......till then.....[sigh].thereby here i am breaking the shackles of my non existence from the blog circuit and typing one more of my random thought....

i had always wished for a million things....a rhinestone studded butterfly...golden along the rims of the wings with chunky emerald green specks all over...to hide away in a precious box made of dark satin with an intricate silver filigree...there could be a sapphire sky for it to fly away some day......cuz nothing stays forever, and nothing should stay forever......

2007-09-03T22:27:00.000-07:00

goodbye....goodbye vanilla sky,domicilating the souls disbanded....domicilating the hopes of a shredded 'beat'....

september, 4,2007
....the dissipating warmth of your comfort....your frittered existence ,
dispersing into the horizon....till the last drop had drained from the seven colours.....should i miss you??or should i smile....a memory,a throbbing and an ego veiled forever.....

goodbye vanilla sky....goodbye forever.....

2007-08-25T07:47:00.000-07:00

bleary splotches and a purple glow.....figments of fantasy rising high and wispy from the corners of a cigar stub....a slight blow and it will deviate from its original course............osmosising into the aura....but it will return to the old path again.....
enclasping the petite frame,playing with the dark ringlets...

sometimes u sleep well in the familiar nagging of pain...it warms up your existence....

sometimes its great to be frozen in time.............

IF

2007-08-15T22:09:00.000-07:00

This beautiful tag i stole from 'inihos'[check my link list]...i just could not resist..its like questioning yourself and getting answers that you had never known or imagined about your own self...wow self revealing...except there are plenty of answers which are pretty similar cant help it..cuz there will always be certain qualities/desires i will share with other like minded people so those are the moments when i wont be able to go creatively different....here it goes....

If I were a beginning, I would be: the beginning of TIME
If I were a month, I would be: JULY
If I were a day of the week, I would be: SATURDAY
If I were a time of day, I would be: NIGHT
If I were a planet, I would be: VENUS
If I were a season, I would be: WINTER
If I were a sea animal, I would be: A Sea Horse
If I were a direction, I would be: YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES AND LET YOUR HEART TAKE YOU WHEREVER...
If I were a piece of furniture, I would be: A BOOK SHELF
If I were a sin, I would be: LUST
If I were a liquid, I would be: WATER
If I were a fraud/scare, I would be: A NIGHTMARE
If i were a gem, I would be: A SAPPHIRE
If I were a tree, I would be: AN EVERGREEN ONE
If I were a tool, I would be a: A PEN
If I were a flower/plant, I would be: a WHITE ROSE
If I were a kind of weather, I would be: A STORMY DAY
If I were a musical instrument, I would be: A PIANO
If I were an animal, I would be: A WOLF
If I were an emotion, I would be: LONGING/PINING
If I were a vegetable, I would be: A TOMATO
If I were a sound, I would be :THE SOUND OF THE RAINDROPS
If I were an element, I would be:WATER
If I were a car, I would be: A LIMO
If I were a song, I would be: I'M NOT A GIRL,NOT YET A WOMAN
If I were a food, I would be: SIMPLE ON DECORATIONS
If I were a place, I would be: DELHI
If I were a material, I would be: SATIN
If I were a taste, I would be: WANTING TO LINGER FOREVER....
If I were a scent, I would be: JASMINE
If I were a religion, I would be: HUMANITERIANISM
If I were a sentence, I would be: FULL OF METAPHORS
If I were a body part, I would be: THE EYE
If I were a facial expression, I would be: LOST IN THOUGHTS
If I were a subject in college, I would be: HISTORY OF PHILOSPHY
If I were a shape, I would be: a TRIANGLE
If I were a quantity, I would be: ONE WHO CANT BE MEASURED
If I were a color, I would be: BLUE
If I were a thing, I would be: A BOOK
If I were a landmass, I would be: AN ICE BERG
If I were a book, I would be: THE INTERPRETER OF MALADIES
If I were a monument, I would be: THE TAJ
If I were an artist, I would be: PICASSO
If I were a poem, I would be: PORPHYRIA'S LOVER BY BROWNING
If I were a landscape, I would be : THE MOUNTAINS
If I were a watch, I would be: TIMELESS
If I were God, I would be: AN EVIL VENGEFUL ONE
If I were a vowel, I would be: I
If I were a consonant, I would be: S
If I were a formula, I would be: ONE HOLDING THE KEY TO SEVERAL QUESTIONS
If I were a Science, I would be: CHEMISTRY
If I were a theory, I would be: SURREALISM
If I were a famous person, I would be:CLEOPATRA
If I were sport, I would be:BUNGEE JUMPING
If I were a movie, I would be: THE SCHINDLER'S LIST
If I were a cartoon, I would be: LUANN
If I were an explorer, I would be: BURRIED AMIDST THE WILDERNESS IN AFRICA
If I were a scientist, I would be: DARWIN
If I were a relation, I would be: a LOVER
If I were a river, I would be: NAMELESS ,FLOWING THRU AN UNKNOWN LAND
If I were intoxication, I would be: LOVE
If I were alone, I would be: THINKING
If I were a question, then I would be: WHY
If I were a hobby, I would be: PAINTING
If I were a habit, I would be:LOSING ONESELF EACH AND VERY MOMENT
If I were in an atom, I would be: OF THAT OF OXYGEN
If I were an end, I would be: BEGIN AGAIN SOMEWHERE
If I were you, I would be: CONTINUE THIS TAG TOOOOOO

# YES DO CONTINUE THIS BEAUTIFUL PIECE OF YOURSELF...WHOEVER READS IT...:))

2007-08-11T01:44:00.000-07:00

sometimes her head gets soo fuddled...its like she is waging a war....with?? herself ....memories go sploshed with dark stains....its good to look at her mind in an eternal motion of growth.....its growing everyday...it grows up and grows away from a particular point of her life....however thats not where it stops...it distances itself from evrything that was linked up with that particular point...it no longer feels the same intimacy with the events or the people who had crowded her life during the time...she grows with time...her mind grows faster...it spreads its tendrils and quietly creeps away without her knowing about it....wish it had let her know....would she have stopped it??and yet the game continues...the game where known faces become distant silhouettes....known company feels alien,an entire set of known events become the past she doesnt want to dig out again....and in the end a craving....an intense desire to move on ...move out of this sphere....a madness...a howl to break free and run towards the light......

2007-07-30T05:23:00.000-07:00

the sparrow cringed...she singed.....in the canorous fire entangling her in loops....the tenacious fingers grasping at her....exculpating every ounce of guilt that still lay within... dancing around high and mighty... enclasping a soul ,till the dancing red had devoured all that it wished to, annihilating the existence that needed to be ...till the ashes agreed to dance with the wind
.....a refulgent dream...a holy burn...

and now ...............

waiting.............. praying for the shamanic downpour....

where was the CONNECTION??

2007-07-18T10:38:00.000-07:00

where the hell was the connection??[maybe its me so people who could actually comprehend it can point it out to me] .the storyline was so loose that it could not even allow the connection to develop between the characters let alone between the audience and the film.so once again a wannabe crossover film which has portrayed the quintessential 'bong' culture where almost always families live in run down north calcutta house and they pickle mangoes on their balcony railings,sometimes to get away from all these they share a drink or two at someplace else[atleast the girl does it well while her boyfriend cant even handle anything more than two pegs at a new york bar...wow way to go gaals] and shantiniketan is a must.aahhhh the amazing bong life the perfect bong dream.

the bong connection....must always have family feuds[real estates/properties are great story lines],droning discussions on 'ilish machch' and yeah the essential bong factor 'rabindrasangeet' which has lost its bengaliness to adapt to the 'bongness' through remixed versions.[didnt the couple visit Shantiniketan for baul sangeet???so where was it??]i could still catch and accept the CALCUTTA version of the storyline whereas the NEW YORK version made me feel like a soda bottle shaken too many times and about to explode....because i could not make head or tail of why such a story needed to be followed....

where was the bong element?where was the identity crisis that people usually feel once they step out of their home country?is it all about street thugs and gays and befriending weird taxi drivers to share drinks with or getting entangled in his even weirder personal life??!!! maybe its about making an attempt at losing your virginity at the first chance you get[wow bong men that desperate huh!] even with a girlfriend waiting for u back home.it could have been about a bong fighting for gay rights,it could have been about a taxi driver and his amazing lifestyle [which could have easily been a rip off from any wild west movies haa haaa]but it was definitely not what i had gone their to watch.

i am particularly enraged at the radio channel which was promoting it and had given it a neat 6 and a half out of 10 that had actually raised my curiosity to go and watch it.....ultimately the film was worst than ally macbeal on a rainy day....oh well atleast i enjoyed Pia Roychoudhuries sense of fashion....the rest was all crap atleast according to me.maybe its upto us to whack our brain and figure out the bong connection in the entire film ....i have failed miserably to find it...dunno bout others.....peace.

2007-07-15T08:33:00.000-07:00

chronicling the rhetorics
that her eyes gave away.

pent up thoughts, tangled and frayed
a pent up sigh
gnawing inside the cage
the criss crossing rail tracks
and a silent autumn page.

a screaming silence :a midnight storm;
the death of her shadows
a stab in the stygian form.

pent up emotions morbid with frost
a trinket in the shadow was all that was lost.

tagged

2007-07-09T08:30:00.000-07:00

one more tag....and a really hard one...8 things about me??!!!!!wadda heck i cant even think up of one!!!oh hell !!i had to dicuss a bit with my close pal to figure the following out :)) so here goes ......

1.Apparently friends[or rather one special friend who i can trust completely] play an extremely important role in my life,whether its about taking a decision or maybe simple idle talking, i really need someone by my side....always.

2.I just love to dream...therefore am a dreamer.

3.I am extremely moody and my behaviour[whether am unnecesaarily nice or rude to people] depends a lot on it.

4.I can forgive people easily but i can easily forget also....its a concept of forgive and simply forget em but never bring em back to my life.when i take a decison of forgetting someone i chuck em out completely....thers no looking back.

5.i think i lose control over myself pretty easily.....when am floating i simply float.....till i hit something and land with a dull thud.

6.i get bored with a particular 'way' too easily...i love changing stagnancy kills me...[there4 i take it out on my hair a lot :D]

7.i am bad at expressing myself.

8.i am tooooooooooo much in love with myself ...

i know people hate being tagged[though i luvvvvvvvv the game]...i will tag onnesha,sugarcube for now lets c who else is interested :)))

2007-07-01T05:20:00.000-07:00

she was happy,but nobody could see that....she was smiling,her pale eyes twinkled under the dull moonlight and yet they failed to notice that.....

she was warm,warm and happy.....it kissed her toes and spread throughout her body like warm blood...it flowed through her veins like a wild fire....and yet it was not life.....something else...which they failed to perceive.

the night appeared bleached and bonewhite as desolate as the emptiness it seeked to hide....the whispering silence playing around her eyes and lips.....they looked on and yet they failed to identify it.humanbeings always do.

that night saw a light drizzle.everydrop running down her cheek tracing the curve as it slid down.she smiled ...maybe.

a rended sky looked on as she stared back.....dark and misty....frozen...in time, in life.her blue face...stoned and glassy a manifestation of her blued out existence......but they never ever understood .........

2007-06-18T00:34:00.000-07:00

Everything that starts must come to an end,

the tearless nights till dim daybreak

the Acheronian path to the gravely glows

where the sun has melted to the tears of snow

and everything that had started has come to an end

what cannot be retrieved and cannot be mend

and yet a wisp of incandescence,

an unanswered prayer,a heavenly hope

within the darkness i fight and grope

i touch the sun, i touch the snow

they remain silent but i cry,

i have nowhere to go.......

~sohini

ps:this is only a poetry...an idea in motion....therefore nothing serious about it.....

###the 'nowhere to go' line has raised a lot of eyebrows....naaaahh i have places to go....its just the protagonist of the poem dint have it......

2007-05-30T00:07:00.000-07:00

i inhaled deeply...there was a whiff of scarlet rimmed fantasy in the air.....even the grasses looked more scarlet than envious....i stared back shiney eyed a dreamer.....i tried to grasp the sand , to hold it in my palm like a tight gold ball...the more i grasped at it the more it tended to escape through my fingers....so i stopped......its all just a dream...like golden dusts....blown in the air....

2007-05-14T06:59:00.000-07:00

immergé dans le bleu......une mort bleue........une ombre bleue......une route vers mon amour.....l'éternité est un temps trop petit pour l'union......le baiser bleu de la mort gardera un effet durable..............

2007-05-03T23:03:00.000-07:00

a battle never won,a sun extinguished before the time,the mound of death...hungry mouthed... waiting for the war goddess to throw in some precious booty.........waiting...

story of 7

2007-04-22T09:48:00.000-07:00

i have been tagged by the fiery phoenix aka raka....personally i love the
tagging game a lot...but it also means i have to whack my brain to come
up with 7 things each time.....
here goes..........

7 things i wanna do in this lifetime:
become a writer/journo
shed my whimsical nature
be a little less sensitive and emotional
dress up like that 'e news' hostess[and carry it as well] lolzzz
move around the world in 8 days.....[another lolz]
write a book very much depicting the crappy life i have
learn to cook[that people will appreciate]

7 things i can do
get in trouble any kind[troubles love me]
be a silent listner
swim,sing,and spend endless time in front of the computer
get annoyed with people very easily
read read and read good books
frequently change between 'i love solitude mood' to ' i wanna be in a huge crowd mood'
cuddle my pet dog
make my bed.....

7 things i cant do
cook
say a firm 'no'
not be sarcastic at certain people
keep my room clean
keep up with psychotic people
be one of those girly bitchy crap heads
dance...ahemm

7 things that attract me to other person
inclination to carry an interesting conversation
intelligence
humour and wit
maturity to deal with any situation
honesty and intellect
modesty
commitment

7 things i say most often
crap!
gaaaaaaaawwwwd......
whatever!
who cares!
sorry cant do
follow your heart,your instincts
leave it please

7 people i want to tag
priyodorshi
onnesha
soumyada
inihos
intelvisions
ashi
michelle

2007-04-16T23:20:00.000-07:00

a vision??

a phantasmagoric life.....

when the waves are freed

yet they come back -

to be caged they strive

a kaleidoscopic world

a vision of rememberance,where

nameless streets go whizzzing by

the blue king lives where the dark stones cry

the phlegmatic sea churns up a soul

bare mouthed stares, naked and cold....

splintering emotions...a song you will learn

undressing your words ....my phantasmagoric one....

2007-04-12T07:07:00.000-07:00

dear blog,
seriously............trust me.........i just love you..............but lately am getting hell lazy to type my heart out...also the fact that am not getting much topic or situations to vent out about...therefore am not being religously committed to u my sweet....but i will be back with a bang dont worry.....the thing is i feel i have hit a doldrum for the time being....caught up in the phase of sloth....gonna laze around a bit...have a sluggish life for a while and befor u know it i will hate it so much that i wud wanna go back to normalcy............:D...till den do wait for me huh.....and dont leave me????

cheers
your darkling

2007-04-04T01:39:00.000-07:00

shall we dance.....

my zephyr sweet,

listening to your ballad,

and my own heartbeat ....

where the moon kisses the ocean

and the zephyr speaks her words,

two hearts pine to meet,

and the echo of our love can still be heard.

-an attempt by the disillusioned darkling

2007-03-29T20:19:00.000-07:00

i watched this movie a few days back but was too lazy to blog bout it.....but i guess i feel like doing it now.....cuz just yesterday while going through my shelves i got hold of my copy of the Jhumpa Lahiri novel........and its probably a great thing i had read the book quite sometimes back and dint remember the intricate details while watching the movie......

whenever one watches a film made out of a novel one should keep the expectations on hold....because it is impossible to cram up the entire story in a two hours movie.....same in the case of this film except i really found it brilliant and seldom complaining due to the subtle ways in which the different stages and transformations have been linked,one doesnt feel that something is amiss .......for people knowing the actual novel ,the main protagonist is the boy GOGOL to whom the significance of his name is finaally revealed...except its a bit too late for him to go back and take back all the complains and bitterness he had trashed upon his parents due to his discomfort with the name..........

this film though treading on the same line is an out and out TABU film who plays the mother ASHIMA GANGULY......the 'BENGALI' feel is a strong force through out but i wish they did smthng bout the bengali pronunciation ,since this film is so perfect so why compromise on this aspect.............

truly speaking when i read the novel i found it brilliantly written....a tale wonderfully told....but watching the movie i actually found myself getting involved with the characters .....felt a warm nearness to them.....it was truly a brilliant watch...............

2007-03-24T01:25:00.000-07:00

Henri-Georges Clouzot's 'Le Mystère Picasso'...left me speechless when i watched it at a screening in the film studies department....in addition to being one of the genius behind cubist art forms[the other being BRAQUE]and a hugely successful painter, this is one of his ventures into filmdom.....the other one being his cameo in JOHN COCTEAU'S 'TESTAMENT OF ORPHEUS'......

The entire movie screen turned into a canvas in front of the audience's eyes....i gaped hard at the screen trying to decide whether i should call it a movie or simply a live of 'art in the making'.....a number of paintings took shape stroke by stroke,splashed in colours....and the only sound we got to hear was that of the brush-stroke...the man at work...

but the fact remains that the painter remains hidden.....only towards the end one hears Picasso saying, 'I’m calling this done'...and then..... silence.......

A film like a painting or a photograph is always a mechanical form of reproduction.....an embalming of events....where time is captured and held back to be enjoyed again again...the same moments......over and over....but unlike painting which is stationery....the movements in films gives it an extra dimension...the time.....whereas in paintings time only gives it eternity and just that........

One can easily detect the evolution of Picasso's arts...he starts with a simple stroke....a line,a simple geometric shape,a stroke here and a stroke there......for seconds u will stare at it wondering whats dat???trying to understand what form it will take.....till u actually see it becoming a human figure or something else right in front of the eyes...strenghening ur belief that this man is truly a magician......its said that picasso took inspiration from children's sketches....and surely thats how he starts off......till he adds several layers of colors,texturising a bit,shadowing and lightening here and there..............the nature of his working as captured by the camera is as relaxed as can be.....each stroke carrying you with it........the film runs forword and at times backwards.....giving u an oppurtunity to grasp the artist step by step.....

Picasso's BLUE PERIOD and AFRICAN-INSPIRED PERIOD had always fascinated me....and now watching the artist unfold his tricks really was an experience of its kind

it is undoubtedly an art-film....and people enjoying art will definitly be mesmerised by it...as a critic pointed out "CLOUZOT fails in his metaphysical quest but succeds in producing a movie of uncommon beauty and provocation.".............truly so....

2007-03-22T02:45:00.000-07:00

in the mood for nothing....basically trying to sit back and analyse the past few weeks and my participation in the daily drama called life....[and u would exclaim whooooosssshhhh this gal seems to have loads of time in her hand...well basically i do...or rather i usually excuse myself from this drama and spend time with....'me']......right now am trying to remember a date...xactly when was our exam date announced???.....two weeks?three weeks...actually i think it was last month.............supposed to be held last thursday....oooffff how i prayed it should get postponed and if it does i would definitely be prepared ,so prepared that i wud write like a dream....if only i had a few more days in hand. And wham...that evening the bandh was announced on the 'D' day....ooohhhh i knew there was God....i absolutely knewww it, not one day, two days but 1 whole week!!!! ..... it got postponed to this friday.....aka....tomorrow.....

[sigh]........and guess what am still not prepared.............what will i dooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.....[praying again!!!!!]

ami ke???

2007-03-14T20:08:00.000-07:00

recherchant mon âme......est ce je?[searching my soul...is that me?]........

through the looking glass the world stares back....making u feel awkward...almost de-clothed.... a stark differenciation between the reality and illusion....that stabs,pierces,and cages the soul......

the search continues......

2007-03-11T00:28:00.000-08:00

out of words.......

what dyaaa think bout my fairytale??

2007-03-10T00:09:00.000-08:00

lucifugous she was,obfuscating the world,a blue death of words....as she embraced the silence....the ianthine zhephyr,a saviour and companion in the lonely times....stayed....but its hard to shun the 'rest'...as the warmth crept in....and she showed him the doors.....
and thus the blue butterfly was saved.....

taking a dip....

2007-03-07T04:59:00.000-08:00

i dont know....i always prefer the comfort of my room over a movie hall or plex when it comes to watching good meaningful movies....'water' i wanted to watch not only becoz its a deepa mehta movie...but the topic it is dealing with....thankfully muffins dahling had supplied me with da cd few days back and i got a chance to view it.........

the plight of the widows or for that matter the sufferings of a 'woman' is always a topic creating much hype and the more realism u can bring in it the better it creates a buzz....a favourite for film makers treading the non conventional path....and thus here was another film with magnificant cinematography,trying to recreate benaras ,somewhere in srilanka.....oh yes i have to give it to the cinematographer for the beautiful imageries...but beyond that i found nothing 'new' or outstanding that will separate the film as something extra ordinary.....mind you its only my view and am only being critical from an analyst's point of view....on the whole i really feel its a wonderfully shot film....the story line drags at points and yet catches on....the scenes where the clouds enshrouds the sky is worth gaping at i feel.....surprisingly John Abraham actually 'acted'....need i say anything bout Seema Biswas,she is outstanding in her own right...but the one who surpasses them all is the child actor Sarala named chuiya in the movie....the child-widow,the reaon why the film was worth a watch.....somebody i dint like at all and felt had taken away much from the movie by her 'not so good' performance was Lisa Ray...her hindi was pretty anglicised...and though was a pretty picture she just cudnt bring out the suffering,the pain,the helplessness of a widow......

all in all it was a good watch....but it could have been better....i wont rate it as an oscar material.... yet its a film worth watching for various other reasons if not for the story and performances......

lets play holi....shall we???

2007-03-05T19:34:00.000-08:00

CHEERS

2007-03-03T20:16:00.000-08:00

cheering life

theres far to go

exhausted and happy,

looking at the sun's golden glow.

a rose for you

lets drink from the glass

so much to see,so much to learn

but alas,life ends so fast......

2007-03-01T21:27:00.000-08:00

have been watching this uber cool show from its very first season....too good...specially when it comes to the 'desperate' attitude....in one of the episodes BREE slapped her mom-in-law for making an embarrassing public display of emotion and trying to grab public sympathy...rock on girl.....i guess i was a bit disapproving in the beginning of the fact that cat-fights , so commonly associated with women...are even more highlighted by this show,its like the clawing has been permanently glued to the image of a woman...but then thats reality...gotta accept and live with it......my fangs and claws are out....what bout you???

2007-02-28T04:12:00.000-08:00

Before i start writing i must say am grateful to a fellow blogger for starting it in the first place....and thus had begun a huge debate which now i feel i too should write about instead of trashing somebody else's comment box with my ideas....cmon blogging is afterall expressing yourself.....

its all about promiscuity and adultery.....whoaaahhh now what would i know about it, i wonder....hardly much ...1stly am not married i dont know what its like being adulterous,haven't exactly changed around partners for the sake of pysical pleasure...so that i can exactly say promiscuity is 'fun'.....so what should i say????i guess ...just what my life reflects...otherwise my entire theory would be highly hypocritical and not 'mine'....borrowed from someone else who have indulged in a different life, experienced the 'positives' of promiscuity and is in a fair position to give comments......duuuuh i guess i should be the last one to open my mouth but then again its a social issue and being part of this society i can freely express my viewpoints without being laughed at by others.....duhhh i hope i am right.....!!!!

sayiing that i must go over to my opinion[yes mine and nobody else's]on adultery......whats so great about it???i mean u r in an unhappy marriage right??why not opt for a divorce and settle down with someone else???
2ndly i think people should be well aware of what they want ...a marriage or a live in relationship....cuz aftrall marriage is a social issue and when u step into it u must be pretty sure bout ur partner ....whereas in a live in relnship ,though here too u step in only with surety,there is a chance that if u find it not working out u can walk out without any ties holding u back....so i guess people in a habit of changing their minds should actually go for a live in relationship.....than settle for marriage 'just for the sake of experiencing the excitement of commiting smthng adulterous'....and that is again 'my' opinion.
but ultimately in any relationship the structure should stand and derive strengh from 2 very imp word called loyalty and trust...if that isnt there i guess the question of a relationship doesnt arise......

oh did i forget promiscuity????the thing is i am guessing dat most of us who r writing on this issue arnt writing from any 1st hand experience but something they feel or rather believe in.....'one night stands r gr8'....'a relnship with no strings attached...wow soo coool na??"....people still very much under the control and supervision of their parents and dependent economically upon them[i mean plsss raise hands people who r actually indulging in a live in relationship at the moment and i will shut my big mouth......]...huh....but then again we do not always speak on the basis of 1st hand experience....some times 2nd hand stuffs work just fine...:).................

i guess i will end my point here,cuz theres nothing more to be said....its just that i feel whats wrong shud be accepted as wrong....and the cause of the 'right' shud be championed even at the cost of shedding a particular type of 'image' that we sooo wanna establish..................pheeeeeeeewwwwww

date- 2.3.2007

on this topic i have some very interesting comment from a fellow blogger[radical blogger] on my orkut scrapbook.....am gonna quote them......

"Read the blog and the comments on adultery etc. Age differences probably make my comments very different. so decided not to write. Just wondering, if in a future world we have no longer the legal family, why would there always have to be one on one bondings? If both partners enter into a relashionship with an open acknowledgement that this does not infringe the other partner's sexual choices, does not block alternative or additional sexual partners, and if such a relationship and such sets of relationships can be maintained with mutual respect, what is the big deal? If we do not have proprietory sense on our partners, if we do not think that their bodies are our properties, then such a thing may be possible. Heterosexual Monogamy would be one of several possibilities in such a society, not privileged over the rest. Since we do have the institutionalized family, I do not see that happening in the foreseeable future. But the challenges are there. The very terms, adultery and promiscuity, are loaded terms."

"If we assume our society, and throw in wanting more, the picture is of one sort. But if we ask, where do we want to go, the picture changes. Can people in advance know the exact contours of the future society? No. Suppose there was a congress of pithecanthropi, meeting to decide the future, would they emplot a homo sapiens? I doubt it. So We have to think in terms of a series of negatives first -- what are the things in our society that are problems. What do we propose to do with them? There might be occasional persons who are unbalanced. But on the whole, assuming rational self interest, what do we mean by wanting more? From where? If sex was the only thing that was involved, people could as well go to sex workers..."

-radical blogger

oscars.....

2007-02-27T04:31:00.000-08:00

congratulating the genius.....and finally he won what he deserved....cheers to the legend.... some of my favourite scorsese movies include 'raging bull','the color of money','gangs of new york' and 'aviator'......at the same time am a bit disheartened cuz my vote for best actor leonardo di caprio missed it again....man everytime i feel this is his turn...someone else flies away with the booty....as for water i wish it had won but thats merely a feeling cuz am an indian and even though it was a canadian entry it wud have been a win for deepa mehta....saying that i should add the film which had actally been awarded truly deserved or so says my bro residing in los angeles...he claims to have seen 'the lives of others' and finding it brilliant....i havnt seen water yet but am counting on dahling 'muffins and cookies' to supply the cd to me.....hope she does and we will clandestinely make the exchange with my hitcock on wednesday.....or maybe thursday........:)

2007-02-26T08:31:00.000-08:00

like the waves that come splashing in

only to return to the deep,

like a rose drenched in blood

lacerated at the threshold of youth,

like the pale moon on the night canvas

lapping up the darkness in hunger,

like the door that stands high-watchful

her keys.............. lost forever.

in her memory

2007-02-24T00:20:00.000-08:00

i am numb...with shock...i am not crying...its beyond dat,i have stopped feeling....i dont know,never expected something like this...i would not have....i am just looking back,i have known her throughout my school life, been friends ,came home together,shared secrets fashion tips just like any normal friends would do...memories of smiles and happiness ...and they will remain memories......been out of touch for a while my fault i know.....and yesterday when i ran into her mom i did what i was supposed to do....ask how she was....thats when i was made aware of her non existence....no more here.....a normal life nipped at da bud,the ringing laughter switched off for ever.....a funloving teenager my age....never to be seen again...a death not by any illness but a disastrous accident that killed both the father and the daughter.............

life is unfair....so long friend.....praying for your soul to rest in peace.....

SUNSHINE SWEETHEART

2007-02-19T06:56:00.000-08:00

HE IS JUST A YEAR OLD NOW......:D

well lifes not all bout dark splotches.....sometimes it getz white and furry and all cuddly......thought i have been blogging for quite sometimes.....about different things....so i dont see a reason why the LOVE OF MY LIFE should not find prominence in my lil journal.......muahhhh dahling.....the sunshine of my life...the reason to smile.....nevermind those small lil playful bites at times.....and running away with my stuffs or destroying my favourite magazine.... u r everythng to me and will remain so......cheers

2007-02-18T08:03:00.000-08:00

the beginning

cold,bone white..... the long tenacious fingers of death...summoning the darkness for a while.....deep secrets are like that ,u hold them tight to your chest.....choking,suffocating them....your hands bleeding blue and yet you clutch them tighter ,scared they might squeeze out through the fragile little fingers like sands.....and then theres nothing to hold onto.......

a phase

dark waters.... the waves dont rise high...calm ,placid.....depth unknown....treacherous....

a process

the door stands high....a web of mystery,the key long lost......burried deep in the memory...not to be retreived.......

the end

and the sun shone atlast.....

took a test

2007-02-16T22:00:00.000-08:00

was sent a link ,took the test just by clicking on the photo that appealed to me the most and wham heres the results......

Your Personality Profile

You are elegant, withdrawn, and brilliant.
Your mind is a weapon, able to solve any puzzle.
You are also great at poking holes in arguments and common beliefs.

For you, comfort and calm are very important.
You tend to thrive on your own and shrug off most affection.
You prefer to protect your emotions and stay strong.

The World's Shortest Personality Test

ohhhhh goody thizzzzz izzzz niceeee just wat i expected

not so shocking so far but wait till u see the next..................oh man itzzzz SHOCKING!!!this is absolutely not going with me....

You Should Be an Actor

You have a flair for the dramatic, and you probably already do a lot of acting in your day to day life, just to entertain yourself.
No need to steal the spotlight from your friends... You'll get plenty of attention once you start acting professionally!

What Sort of Artist Should You Be?

2007-02-14T22:02:00.000-08:00

gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawwwwd...me turning into a freak........gawd gawd....me doing things me never done b4....gawd gawd...me watching tooo much weird tv programmes[!!!!!!]...specially the crappy reality ones.....urrrrrrrrrrrrgggghh....always loved those 'Apprentice' nd "Fashion house" and "Joe millionaire's.....now it seems i cant take my eyes of the reality programmes aired on discovery travel and living[a bit highbrow stuffs gotta say...still] and star world.........immersed in tooo much reality the real world looks plainly unreal to me....gaaaaaaaaawwwwd gaaaaaawwwwd get me outta this mess........i have even adopted the apprentice lingo[booksmart and streetsmart].

ofcourse am disappointed the entire gang is up and away at Sikkim...i never had much inclination towards these excursions and i have been to Sikkim before....but with me down with flu and nobody to ring mah cell am a bit freaked out.not blaming anyone ....my closest friend had been sms-ing and calling me up even seconds before their departure....but suddenly evrythng has stopped and am just feeling plain bored.....oh well i will go back to my loyal idiot box.....i think they are airing WILL AND GRACE now.......gotta rush....

2007-02-13T04:38:00.000-08:00

dark river of my desire
where do you flow?
into the purple passioned ocean....?
the hungry mouth stares in joy,as
the cauldron of fantasy
cries dry
each dream squeezed out
of its warm blooded soul
and yet.....................
the never ending desire flows.

2007-02-11T21:30:00.000-08:00

a silver crack.....a warm caressing drizzle.....tufts of powdery blue mists.....floating softness.....a kiss......a road to nowhere.....do i follow u????

memories

2007-02-11T21:19:00.000-08:00

shimmering shadows of gold
choked by the dust of time
cache'd away with care
bleached by the sun fair
washed by the waves of life
fed through the pains of desire
memories strung by time
memories truly mine..........................

2007-01-20T20:40:00.000-08:00

another morning after a crazy international night at calcutta club,another wintry night going deaf and crazy with music djs and dancing,occassional drinks,checking out outfits and some really weird hairdoes.....and the following morning pondering whats so exciting bout all these!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2007-01-14T03:51:00.000-08:00

i guess life often comes to a doldrum after travelling miles of desert sands.......and as soon as one reaches that moment it becomes unavoidable not to look back......

looking back.........a sigh...... an uncontrollable sigh from the deepest crevices of your life-pumping organ.....why do i do that everytime i look back???i guess i extract strengh from the various lanes and bylanes that had traversed my life.....the past is never sans pain.....its embedded somewhere deep within ......like an obstinate stain refusing to fade away.....yeah ......u can forget a person but u cannot earase memories....they remain.....and the person remains too deriving life from these scattered thoughts.....
yet i feel elated to realise i have survived afterall when at one time i had thought i will wither away under the pressure.....and thats where i realise i do have the strengh to go on......there is always those lil moments where u feel like blaming yourself for not realising the verity of the matter......and yet u emerge a winner in the game of survival......and as some people will call it.......................life

a very mixed posting

2007-01-12T19:09:00.000-08:00

goodmorning to me!!!......just been greeted by the amazing new blogger service...i am yet to enjoy its many advantages....but heres wishing a lucky start......

there are various reasons for me wanting to blog....the primary and most obvious being trying to communicate my feelings to the people reading it ....theres a lot of satisfaction in dropping the burden....specially when people cant see you ....one can rest assured that the judgements will be unbiased and helpful.....and yet sometimes i am faced with a huge difficilty....'i have NOTHING to say'....everythng gets bottled up somewhere inside.....there are various ways one can communicate.....language,madness,silence....i guess i get attached to the last one.....and blogging is useless in such times......even during those times reading others' blog help......it gives some ideas.....

i have been reading the blog of a mindblowing writer and activist....whose doing a really commendable job by posting on the nithari cases.....extremely essential i will say ......cuz do u knw there r still a considerable chunk of people to whom yet the name 'nithari' doesnt register anything......i guess making people aware is essential.....and when i read about the organ trade posting i cudnt help wonder, its not that it was carried on by only two people....a very trivial number to undertake such jobs..there must have been a number of other professionals involved....eg doctors....maybe some hospital tooo.......i doubt whether such things can be dug up by the police but through blogging we can contemplate on the different possibilities......and share our viewpoints...................so cheers to the blogger.....

amazing aint???

2007-01-08T08:41:00.000-08:00

"i saw u sitting and crying..
so i asked u why ?
u dint answer..
i tried to hold ur hand..
but u walked away... wiping ur tears
then i realized we were sitting on my GRAVE"

-read this quotation on a website and cant help publishing it.....

2007-01-07T08:38:00.000-08:00

i am taking a resolution ......am gonaaa stop reading news papers and magazines.....altogether.....every morning i wake up to another hideous crime after another,and everythng gets embittered for the rest of the day.....a sort of rage,grief,sorrow cages me for an entire day......i get this uncontrollable urge to do something and yet realise i have no power to do so...i guess noone has......and even horrifying are these news magazines putting up the entire course of the crime in all its vividity to the last details...why???increase sales??makes me feel pukish.....and every time its da same old story...we probably know it by heart....and yet they will repeat the thing over and over.creating awareness is one thing but is that really happening?then how come the same cases r going on repeating....????are these examples of bad journalism maybe????................read a line somewhere worth mentioning here.....directed to our journos........"with gr8 power comes gr8 responsibility" toooo....and the sooner they realise the better.................cuz ultimately the goal[creating awareness]remains far from achievement............

answering you

2007-01-05T05:00:00.000-08:00

well i am immersed in flaws...in fact proudly so....if u wanna analyse me u wud be surprised to dig up the number of negativities in my nature dwarfing the number of positives....as i said i am happy about it...never claimed to be god...had i flaunted a sqeeky-clean self i could have been god myself....even there i have mah doubts...is god flawless too????hypothetically if he is[need proofs....]thats even better .the more i have flaws the more 'human' i can be......and dats all i wanna be in this life.........................

"dark" attracts mah senses,seduces me,beckons me.....wats so wrong about it...i have dark thoughts[no i dont flaunt a gothic-punk look but dat doesnt control my thoughts].......why do 90% of people look at it as something evil and best avoided?.....i am dark but i do not need mah outwardly behaviour to testify that..................as a friend and fellow darkness-freak commented our philosophy is to look at it from a wholly different perspective.......a region of mystery shrouded in darkness needs to be unravelled......anythng unanswered attracts the human psyche and so does the "dark"...the untrodden territory...................that needs to be detected and comprehended.....and thats the funda and factor for swearing by the "dark" force.......

bits u mite or mite not wanna know but who cares....

2007-01-03T08:43:00.000-08:00

with passage of time my bedroom seems to have been invaded by those huge hallmark coffee mugs....and soon they will be flooding da place.....the more i stare at them the more they glare at me......happy smileys,one containing mah sun sign ,anothr red one with a huge valentine heart [and i dont evn remembr the person who gifted it!!!!]a whole collection with different odds and ends scribbled on them........and each one storing an even greater collection of pens......but hold it ....whenever theres a dire necessity of a pen and u grab hold of one of em to start ur scribbles...voila nothng flows[dried ink silly!].....and yet i store them with care....is it human instict, a personal longing for a proud ownership of a huge bundle of junk?a sense of comfort,warmth, familiarity with all things old and worn out and useless maybe???or simply a glorious example of mah life being afflicted by that dreaded procrastination....................ughg ughg.... got to clean up mah wardrobe toooo...its waging war with me!!!

started a new semester today thought it wud be real interesting .......greeted it with the usual yawns,stiffled laughters and wat not......was told by a sweet senior dat i am looking real fit and slim a good effect of mah gymming......that too after the day i had devoured two bars of TOBLERONE....ofcourse the fact dat she had her new glasses on was dismissed with a sense of overwhelming happiness......lolz

went to NANDAN and watched Kabul Express with a group of nine.....thought wud never get to comprehend da dialouges with all da commotions and hummings going on....but once da film started everythng went to a pindrop silence mode.......

conclusion:i am an idiot and i should stop assuming things......

2007-01-01T02:48:00.000-08:00

i guess sometimes back i had written criminals should be rightfully given the death punishment and today after the execution of saddam hussain i am pondering on this topic from a wholly different perspective......today i questioned myself "who is the criminal and on what basis are we judging the crime?"....what is a crime in our society?did saddam actually die because of his terrorising dictatorship or is it solely an example of perishing under wanton greed of a power hungry machinery?

isnt social ethics,social norms all human constructs?morality is seeped in our own theories of right and wrong......but who gave us the right to decide it.a social rule develops only when an individual's wellbeing comes in the way of another......thats when we label it a punishable offence......in doing so we r committing the same crime over and over....a ruthless murder of humanity

2006-12-11T01:36:00.000-08:00

"this is a legend about a bird which sings just once in its life more sweetly than any other creature on the face of the earth.from the moment it leaves the nest it searches for a thorn tree and doesnt rest till it hasd found one.then singing among the savage branches it impales itself up on the longest sharpest spine.and dying it rises above its own agony to out-carol the lark and the nightingale.one superlative song ,existence the price.........."

there is a thorn bird hidden in each one of us.....in every human soul...the excruciating pain that the bird encounters...urges her to go on....till the last ounce of blood has oozed out of her frail shivering body....and it lies cold,bone white and dangling from the farthest corner of the sharp thorn......we too seek pleasure through pain maybe...... refuse to consider the chances of getting the thorn pricked into our breasts....and step forward ....
it hurts too.....and yet we do it again.......and again and again......

2006-12-04T01:31:00.000-08:00

tomorrow we have a bandh in kolkata.....tomorrow i also have my honors exam....and i am damn frustrated in this quagmire ,which one doesnt need to crack an IQ test to understand......west bengal has become more of a centre for staging political dramas that ultimately creates hiatus in the daily lives of the public besides achieving nothing fruitful.......

as far as i have understood all this fuss is over certain areas of land in singur whose rights have already been sold by their owners at their own free will and also well compensated with by the government......its more of a pro-industrial project and thereby has been welcomed with such violent reactionary measures in a bid to save the farmers.....which i find tooo comical to digest...... i mean to facilitate the growth of agriculture one need not wipe out industrialisation!!!!!

i would have to say that as an opposition its always their right to see to it that no land is forcefully taken away from the owners thus victimising the essence of our right to 'live'......but orchestrating a commotion in an assembly followed by a 24 hr bandh for something that has already been solved with no issue made by the very original landholders.......is a real slap upon the face of democracy.................

some say dont support this cause and go ahead with your exams.....but is anybody guaranteeing that there wont be an angry mob setting fire on a bus......or sudden breakdown of the transport system??????!!!!!!!!!!i wonder when Bengal will get over this useless issues and spend time on graver ones.................its time to resuscitate our systems of law and order and really get over these bandh systems.....

2006-11-07T06:20:00.000-08:00

PRPHYRIA's LOVER

ROBERT BROWNING

The rain set early in tonight,
The sullen wind was soon awake,
It tore the elm-tops down for spite,
And did its worst to vex the lake: I listened with heart fit to break.
When glided in Porphyria; straight
She shut the cold out and the storm,
And kneeled and made the cheerless grate Blaze up,
and all the cottage warm;
Which done, she rose, and from her formWithdrew the dripping cloak and shawl,
And laid her soiled gloves by, untied
Her hat and let the damp hair fall,
And, last, she sat down by my side And called me. When no voice replied,
She put my arm about her waist,
And made her smooth white shoulder bare,
And all her yellow hair displaced,
And, stooping, made my cheek lie there,
And spread, o'er all, her yellow hair,Murmuring how she loved me — she Too weak,
for all her heart's endeavor,
To set its struggling passion free From pride,
and vainer ties dissever, And give herself to me forever.
But passion sometimes would prevail, Nor could tonight's gay feast restrain
A sudden thought of one so pale For love of her, and all in vain:
So, she was come through wind and rain.
Be sure I looked up at her eyesHappy and proud; at last l knew
Porphyria worshiped me: surprise
Made my heart swell, and still it grew
While I debated what to do.
That moment she was mine, mine, fair,
Perfectly pure and good:
I foundA thing to do, and all her hair
In one long yellow string l wound
Three times her little throat around,
And strangled her.
No pain felt she;I am quite sure she felt no pain.
As a shut bud that holds a bee,
I warily oped her lids: again
Laughed the blue eyes without a stain.
And l untightened next the tress
About her neck; her cheek once more
Blushed bright beneath my burning kiss: I propped her head up as before,
Only, this time my shoulder bore
Her head, which droops upon it still:
The smiling rosy little head,
So glad it has its utmost will,
That all it scorned at once is fled,
And I, its love, am gained instead!
Porphyria's love: she guessed not how
Her darling one wish would be heard.
And thus we sit together now,
And all night long we have not stirred,
And yet God has not said aword!

2006-11-01T09:36:00.000-08:00

........a place where the hawks play in peace
splashing blue at every inch
past the orange that glows in rage
molten gold come flooding in-
and the clouds dare parade their emancipation,
i strive to reach that land......
where my soul and yours can rest....
-hand in hand

2006-10-25T22:34:00.000-07:00

THERE I WAS SITTING BACK AND FEELING VERY BORED......HOW DID I GET MYSELF INTO THIS DEBATE???I WONDERED.........
A SORT OF FIERCE BATTLE ENSUED BETWEEN TWO TEAMS DEBATING OVER CAPITAL PUNISHMENT AND LIFE SENTENCE.......CAUGHT IN THE FIRE I TOO JUST HAD TO POUR OUT MY HEART AND EVENTUALLY GOT TAGGED AS BARBARIC AND FIERCE FOR STICKING TO MY BELIEF THAT CAPITAL PUNISHMENT IS THE ONLY JUDGEMENT FOR HEINOUS CRIMES.......
CAN VIOLENCE BE AN ANSWER TO VIOLENCE ???....CAME THAT CLICHED LINE.......WELL I DONT KNOW THAT.....BUT EVEN GOD HAD TO GET RID OF LUCIFER FROM HEAVEN WHEN HE FELL.VIOLENCE IS NOT A SOLUTION TO VIOLENCE....BUT AM MORE A BELIEVER OF 'CLEANSING THROUGH REMOVING PROCEDURE'........
IN MY LAST ARGUMENT ALL I CAN SAY IS.......U R GIVEN LIFE IMPRISONMENT.....TRUE THE LIGHT OF YOUR LIFE IS TAKEN AWAY FROM YOU......U R SEPARATED FROM THE NORMAL LIVING WORLD........BUT U HAVE NOT STOPPED LIVING....U CAN SEE THE SUN RISE EVERY DAY ,MEET YOUR LOVED ONES ATLEAST ONCE IN A WEEK.....THEY TOO KNOW THAT YOU ARE 'THERE'......MOST IMPORTANTLY YOU CAN WAIT TO SEE THE LIGHT OF ANOTHER DAY........
BUT THESE R CRUELLY DENIED TO THE VICTIMS AND THEIR FAMILIES....IS IT FAIR.........THAT WAY????IS IT FAIR FOR A LIFE TO BE CUT SHORT LEAST WHEN EXPECTED......SO IS IT STILL UNFAIR TO LOOK AT JUSTICE TO BRING ABOUT A FAIR BALANCE?????

I AM NO ONE TO DECIDE.................BUT A JOINT DECISION CAN BRING ABOUT REVOLUTIONARY CHANGES..............

2006-09-08T22:17:00.000-07:00

hmmmm sipping some warm ginger tea.....thats ought to shoot down ma throat problem....dunno what to do bout that nagging ankle pain caused at the gym jumping-jogging-treadmill session.....right now it feels like all da sickness and uneasiness of da world have clouded my body........
thanx to my ankle,my shop-till-u-drop plans had to be cancelled and am sitting at home typing this nonsense out of pure fury, nxt i will be turning on da idiot box and try to watch some feel good soap on zee cafe[am hoping for will and grace] but apprently i wont be able to concentrate cuz i would be thinking back as to what all i could have shopped, had i been a bit more careful and a bit less careless at the gym.....

so thats that......nothing else to do.....by da way the class yesterday planned to try out some bhang-kulfi and go crazy...too bad i had to come back home early that day...wonder what happened after that......lets see whether i get a chance to lose myself in pure euphoria in near future......

2006-09-06T03:44:00.000-07:00

lost innocence thats darned bad................or is it.........

2006-08-26T06:02:00.000-07:00

why am i being so hell lazy these days?????its like theres nothing to motivate my damned life any more...........as if everything i had once wanted to say....shout out, scream about have bottled up at their provenance.....and theres absolutely nothing that can stir me to sit down and type a few lines.....oh yess my lifes gone pretty mundane[as if thats new].....nothing to do...besides am using a cyber cafe when i have a computer back at home sitting pretty on my desk ,inactive, as always somethings gone wrong....some wire burst...hell do i know bout these technical mumbojumbos......

dunno when it will be alright am goin crazy but i guess looking at da bright side i can say that bout da time it will be back i will be gushing out.....ready with an eventful life...huh......

2006-08-06T07:04:00.000-07:00

trying to find an answer and............. somebody........it need not have ended so early........had i been that blind to see the reality????...the same pattering rain .......nagging on and on.......and i with a page from BROWNING ....caressed by some memories.............partings are always painful.....it is destined to be that way...always......but who is at fault????climbing down that same old fragile climber plant.......somewhere i had made a grave mistake......irrecoverable....
Dont wanna go back....but what to do...its that time of the year again.....................

2006-07-17T21:15:00.000-07:00

surviving life imbued with a million and one prismatism......claustrophobic .........i feel i am.....tired of fighting at every corner of life....looking for 'that' ephemeral bliss....standing on that gloaming zone......i feel..............a lonely tree.......... silhouetted against the bleeding blue.........and a neverendingly vacuous horizon........